When we find ourselves having to share that we have lost someone we deeply loved, the responses are varied. Most are not helpful, because the idea of loss is so uncomfortable. But, some are right down hurtful. Yet, what I’ve come do understand is that most just don’t know what to say, so they say anything that comes to mind at the time. This at times may sound like a blame game. For example, I’ve heard responses, both directly to me as well as said and related to me, such as:
- Well, my husband takes care of himself, so that probably won’t happen to him.
- I work out and keep my weight down, so I won’t have heart problems.
- I have kids who could give me a kidney, so I’ll be ok.
- We had the COVID shot, so that won’t happen to us.
I could go on, but I think this shows the essence of what I mean. The main point that I want to express is that people really don’t mean to be hurtful when they say these things. They don’t mean to be playing the blame game, even though it definitely feels that way at the time. What they are doing is what I call “insurance”. We’re all so afraid of death, or worse – being left alone by death – that we tell ourselves all kinds of things on a subconscious level. Some people simply let these subconscious thoughts out when faced with a situation too close to home, as it were.
First, try not to take it personally. They are simply attempting to insure that they won’t suffer the same fate. We really can’t do that, but we want so badly to be in control of our own lives that we attempt to even control our own fate. Most of the time, we aren’t really aware of this behavior. So, this is definitely an occasion of speaking without thinking, or at least conscious thought.
Second, try to give grace. When I first heard these things, I will admit that I was irritated. But, then I thought back to before I was here on this journey. I probably said things that sounded just as ridiculous, simply because I didn’t know. People can never truly understand a stage or a journey until it happens to them.
When we find ourselves having to share that we have lost someone we deeply loved, the responses are varied. Most are not helpful, but some are right down hurtful. What I’ve come do understand is that most just don’t know what to say, so they say anything that comes to mind at the time. This at times may sound like a blame game. For example, I’ve heard responses such as: Well, my husband takes care of himself, so that probably won’t happen to him.”