During this time, I’ve stepped away from the grief blog, which focuses generally on my journey with the grief over losing that amazing man, to be intentional about remembering the love that we shared. As the depth of grief is equal to the love shared in a relationship, I feel that being intentional and specific about focusing on the blessing of his love will be healing. The “Love Story” blog can be found at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory/index.php/.
During this time, I’ve stepped away from the grief blog, which focuses generally on my journey with the grief over losing that amazing man, to be intentional about remembering the love that we shared. As the depth of grief is equal to the love shared in a relationship, I feel that being intentional and specific about focusing on the blessing of his love will be healing. The “Love Story” blog can be found at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory/index.php/.
During this time, I’ve stepped away from the grief blog, which focuses generally on my journey with the grief over losing that amazing man, to be intentional about remembering the love that we shared. As the depth of grief is equal to the love shared in a relationship, I feel that being intentional and specific about focusing on the blessing of his love will be healing. The “Love Story” blog can be found at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory/index.php/.
During this time, I’ve stepped away from the grief blog, which focuses generally on my journey with the grief over losing that amazing man, to be intentional about remembering the love that we shared. As the depth of grief is equal to the love shared in a relationship, I feel that being intentional and specific about focusing on the blessing of his love will be healing. The “Love Story” blog can be found at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory/index.php/.
During this time, I’ve stepped away from the grief blog, which focuses generally on my journey with the grief over losing that amazing man, to be intentional about remembering the love that we shared. As the depth of grief is equal to the love shared in a relationship, I feel that being intentional and specific about focusing on the blessing of his love will be healing. The “Love Story” blog can be found at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory/index.php/.
I encourage you to focus on the blessings of love that makes grief bittersweet as well.
As part of my healing, I am writing our love story. I’m writing it out in my own handwriting, so that our grandchildren will have both the story and my handwriting as a memory. But, I have decided to share it here as well. I thought it might help others through the commitment that is marriage as well as grief.
As I was writing, I noticed that I was writing to him. As the reader of this blog, I felt that you should know the voice so that it would make better sense.
Our love story officially began on June 15, 1982. A few days before, I was sitting with Bob’s brother Jim and his girlfriend at the time and my sister Kim and her boyfriend at the time. Jim’s girlfriend and Kim’s boyfriend happened to be brother and sister, so we were at their house just hanging out. I was lamenting that I was the only one not coupled up. Jim suggested that I go out on a blind date with his brother as he was on recruit duty for the NAVY and was in town. Jim had talked about him so glowingly that it didn’t take much encouragement. (Bob had made sure the younger two, Jim and his little sister, had everything that he didn’t have in high school – class rings, money to go to prom, etc. I so admired his generosity from the beginning. He was so Godly!) When Jim showed me your official NAVY picture, I was excited to meet the handsome man in the photo.
You arrived promptly at 6:00 and knocked on the door yourself. I thought it was pretty confident that you didn’t send Jim to the door or even have him walk up with you. I was still getting ready, so Kim answered the door with Mom following to meet you as well. You handled that with the grace that I soon learned was one of your greatest strengths. You were such a people person!
Once I came up (about five minutes later), you walked me out to your Honda Accord. You opened my door and made sure I was safe, then went around to the driver’s seat. We were then on our way to the Huntington Mall to watch Rocky III. On our way, I noticed some pictures laying on the console in the middle of our seats. They were of you working in the Data Center on the ship, but computers were brand new (Remember this is 1982) so I had never seen a Data Center. I asked, “So what is it you do?” You politely explained computers and computer storage.
Then, we were at the mall….
Bob had just come off a Mediterranean cruise when I met him. While they were traveling around the world to 36 countries on the USS Saipan, he didn’t have much to do in his spare time than work out. So, he was quite toned. Being a Sailor, I decided that I had my own Popeye. So, naturally, that made me Olive Oyl.
My 18 year old self was so proud to be his girl. He was the older, very handsome man in the NAVY. And, as the years passed, I became even more proud to be his wife. He genuinely cared for people. I can only hope to live up to the woman he saw in me.
He found small rubber figures of our namesakes at an Arcade while we were dating, and they now sit on my desk. These small reminders of our wonderful love story is what gets me through my days at present. And, that’s what early grief feels like. Each day finished is an accomplishment. We need to celebrate those small victories.
To help me heal and to get through these days, I have decided to journal our life’s journey in a “sub-blog” titled Our Love Story. I often counsel others, especially those going through difficult times in relationships, to remember the good times. And, I also counsel those going through difficulty to journal their days. I truly believe in the act of writing it down as a healing process. So, this blog will combine the recording of good times with getting through these difficult times. Please join me in the “sub-blog” at https://counselingtoday.com/lovestory.
This was my first valentines without that amazing man. To help my heart, I read back through all those love letters from our dating days. You may remember that he was in the NAVY when we met, so we had a long distance romance for most of the year that we dated. Those letters are now priceless! He wrote in a letter dated August 14, 1982:
My Dearest Susan,
I miss you so much. I’m just not complete without you. I don’t know why the Lord would have us so far apart but I’m sure he will help us make it through this most difficult time in our lives. I don’t want you to ever be unsure of my love for you. Yours Forever, Bob
It was so interesting to read those words 38 years later to find that they are so appropriate for what I am going through now. I miss him with every fiber within me and am definitely not complete without him, but trust that he is walking the streets with Jesus and happy. I have faith that both my Lord and Bob will help me make it this most difficult time in my life.
And, I include Bob because I know he is looking down on me from Heaven. He promised he would. His last words were, “Dave, you take care of your Mom. Suz, you take care of Dave. Tony and Lauren will take care of each other and our kids. And, I’ll look down and take care of everybody.” And, I trust that because 2 Corinthians 5:8 tells us that: “The same person who becomes absent from his or her body becomes present with the Lord.” So, even though I miss him terribly, I know that he is happy in Heaven.
Even more, I can’t imagine the glorious body he is now – no pain at all. I Corinthians 6:3a says, “Do you not know that we are to judge angels?” I can’t imagine just being with the angels, much less being higher. So, while it’s more than depressing to miss him so much, I try to remember God’s promises. And, I will be with him again; this is just a pause.
A wonderful Godly friend, who lost her first husband even much earlier than I, reminded me very soon after Bob moved to heaven that he just said, “Good night.” Soon, we will get to say, “Good morning.”
Continuing the analogy of the tree, we will survive! Just as this tree was not stopped by the piano in its way, we will move forward – whether we want to or not. And, in early grief, there are days where it’s work simply to get through the day. But, it’s important that we put the work in – for ourselves and for those that love us.
This is an important image for me as I work through this grief on Day 111 (and our daughter’s 32nd birthday). Yes, I still count the days. I know there will come a day when I will move to counting months, then years. The loss will always be with me. I will always miss him, but life will push forward – just as the life in this tree pushed through the piano. Will the weight of grief be as heavy as this piano? You bet ya! But, life gives us choices. We can work to walk alongside the grief, just as this piano sits alongside this tree creating a beautiful image of the trials of life. Or, we can allow the grief to swallow us or tamp out our life. My hope for you is that you choose to live, to walk alongside the grief.
But, enough with the imagery, what are the skills to survive? It’s important to be with those going through the trials and tribulations of grief – to show up. But, what can we actually DO to help? First, say something. A colleague at work texted about a work question, but first said, “I think of you often, but don’t reach out because I don’t know what to say.” You don’t have to know. Just that you’re trying is enough. Please don’t pull away out of fear of saying something wrong.
In an article for The Guardian, writer Giles Fraser calls this “a double loneliness” – on top of the loss of someone they love, the griever loses the connection and alliance of the people around them (Fraser, 2016). For fear of making things worse, people go silent just when we need them most (Devine, 2017).
As a friend or counselor, you are not expected to be perfect. It’s perfectly ok to lead a conversation with, “I don’t know what to say.” Most don’t. This is a difficult and awful time, but we do need to be there. Admitting you’re uncomfortable allows you to at least be there and say something. That’s the real gift – Companionship!
If you’re not sure what to say, ask! It’s always been confusing to me why we think asking what to say is wrong. It reminds me of the cultural connection. If I don’t know someone else’s culture, it’s respectful of me to find out – to ask them – rather than do the wrong thing. This is much like that. Your friend or client is walking a path – a culture – that you may not have walked. Err on the side of being present. Your effort really is noticed and appreciated (Devine, 2017).
References
Fraser, G. (April 27, 2016). The Gift of Presence, The Perils of Advice. On Being. Retrieved from onbeing.org/blog/the-gift-of-presence-the-perils-of-advice/.
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. (ISBN: 97871622039074)
Grief is messy and humans are messy. We need to accept that going through loss is going to be messy. As you sit with your client or friend in this pause that is new grief, the best thing to do is to admit that there’s nothing that you can do to “fix it”, but you are here and you care for them. But, we’re the counselor; we’re expected to know what to do. Yes, we’ve been taught all those words of comfort, but they don’t fit right now. In early grief, nothing you can do or say is going to be right. It’s PAINFUL! We can’t heal someone’s pain by taking it away from them. It is much more useful and kind to acknowledge the pain.
It is relief for both you and your friend or client to tell and hear the truth. This stinks and it’s going to for a while. It’s analogous to a wound in the body. We can take medicine, wear a cast, etc. But, the body takes time to heal. And, usually as we heal, the body spits out messy things such as pus, blood, etc. To expect that mental pain would do anything less is ignoring the pain. We need to allow that same messy healing for the mental anguish of grief, especially out of order grief. (Worden calls this complicated grief, but isn’t all grief complicated?)
Carrying this analogy even further, I’m reminded of the tree. It doesn’t really even heal the wound. When a tree is wounded, the injured tissue is not repaired and does not heal. Trees do not heal; they seal. If we look at an old wound, we will notice that it does not “heal” from the inside out, but eventually the tree covers the opening by forming specialized “callus” tissue around the edges of the wound. That’s how those holes that we call “knots” are formed.
And, the tree continues to grow even with the wound. In early grief, we’re still part of the wound. We haven’t moved on to actual healing. That will take time. And, it will take even more time and work to form the callus around the wound that will allow for the tree to begin to focus on growth again. Arborists advise that, rather than seal out infection, wound dressings often seal in moisture and decay. In most cases, it is best to simply let wounds seal on their own. We can carry this lesson to ourselves. It’s best not to even attempt to fix the wound, but to allow your friend or client to sit with their grief and learn from it. These are high-level “soft” skills and not easy to practice as it’s human nature to want to fix something that appears broken. But, the main skills can be expressed as simple counseling: (1) Be truly present, (2) Listen attentively, and (3) Provide Unconditional Positive Regard. The biggest lesson: Don’t fix!
Grieving people would much rather have you stumble through your support than have you confidently assert that things are not as bad as they seem. Please, for all that’s holy, don’t remind them how strong they are! They don’t feel strong at this moment. We need to let the pain exist so that our friend or client feels safe enough to say, “This hurts.” As a support person, companionship inside what hurts is what is asked of you. By not offering solutions for what cannot be fixed, you can make things better, even when you can’t make them right. (Devine, 2017)
References
Devine, M. (2017). It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand. Boulder, CO: Sounds True. (ISBN: 97871622039074)
